The gist of her story:
Her own young daughter had been entered in a town talent show and while the mother had been waiting for her daughter to perform on the stage for the town, she and the rest of the community were treated to a seven-year-old girl climbing up onto the platform and belting out Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats."
First few lines:
Right now,
He's probably slow-dancing with a bleach-blonde tramp,
And she's startin' to get frisky,
Right now,
He's probably buyin' her some fruity little drink,
Cuz she can't shoot whiskey,
Right now,
He's probably up behind her with a pool stick,
Showin' her how to shoot a combo,
And he don't know . . .
And now, the chorus, sung at the top of the lungs and with all the pride of a woman who has done what is about to be described in song:
I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four wheel drive,
Carved my name into his leather seats,
Took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
Slashed a hole in all four tires,
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats!
I want you to imagine a little girl, no older than ten years old, in a nice dress and shoes, hair up in a bow, wearing her mother's lipstick and blush, singing in a very high tinny voice these precise lines.
I want you to also try not to crack up when you do.
There are a lot of songs out there that should not be sung by children, in my opinion. I don't know where the girl's mother's head was at this point, letting her little girl get up there and extol hatred and rage for the opposite sex like this (IN SONG, nonetheless), but what is done is done.
It is a funny image, isn't it?
Talent competitions are fine. Singing songs for an audience is also fine, I just have this firm belief that the song that your little child is going to sing should be something which won't have the entire audience in a dead faint or in stitches.
There have to be others . . .
- Hit Me Baby, One More Time by Britney Spears
Depending on the age of the singer, and the gender (hopefully a girl), we could have a general uproar in the audience. Who is this person who is "hitting" this baby, one more time? And how many times did it happen before? - Invisible by Clay Aiken
The general idea of this song is that someone wishes he could be a ghost, watching the love of his life in her room without her noticing, and then he can "make you mine tonight" - lines which only Clay Aiken, the charming young American Idol runner up, could get away with. Certainly no one else, and especially not a little child. - Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake
If any little child below ten . . . no, make that below fifteen, knows exactly what this song is about, then there is a problem. Drag them kicking and screaming from the stage and straight into therapy. - Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
If any little girl can pull this one off, I'd be impressed. I'd also be petrified to hear her mention the phrases "Makes my cherry pop", "Makes my panties drop", and "With a real sweet c**k" in front of an audience. - Livin' La Vida Loca by Ricki Martin
First of all, the audience would leave at once. Second, if a young boy is singing about someone making him take off his clothes and go dancing in the rain, and getting him drunk and leaving him in the city, we have a problem about what television programs this child has been watching. - Yeah! by Usher
No child under ten should be able to be "in the club with my homies" or should be able to have a girl "all up on me" and certainly not be able to "make her booty go whack" and ultimately shouldn't be able to make her shout "yeah, yeah, yeah!" - The Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
Hey, if the kid can get past the first few lines, which state "Mama, just killed a man, put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he's dead", then I applaude the listeners. - Incomplete by the Backstreet Boys
A song about sadness, misery, rejection, and loss. If he's singing about this, the dosage of his medication is obviously too weak. - Tipsy by J-Kwon
I don't actually need to say anything about this one . . .
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