I Scream, You Scream, No Ice Cream Involved

So, I've learned something. Apparently, today is National Stressed Out Day. As opposed to the other three-hundred-and-sixty-four days we suffer through in a year, this day is special because we are ALL supposed to be

1) Stressed
2) Proud of it
3) Likely drunk

We can be happy today. We can stand tall and proud and say to those idiots who have patience and resolve and work ethics "We are completely stressed out and teetering on the very edge of critical mental meltdown, but we are PROUD OF OURSELVES!"

And what do you have to show for yourself, you calm, patient people? Huh? What good are you? We're stressed! We're out of it! And YOU, you quiet, efficient, successful lot - you are all LOSERS.

Nope. Doesn't make any more sense when you put it in writing.

So we're supposed to all be stressed today? Well, it being the closing of the school year, college students everywhere are likely in the death-grip of exams and realizing halfway through their algebra exams that the batteries in their calculators are about to run out and they've neglected to bring spares. Also, the IRS has probably rounded up all those people that have tried to bury the red envelopes in the backyard. Lastly, everyone graduating is probably in tears that their dress . . . sorry, graduation gowns aren't even the right size.

Mine made me look like some sort of tent. I was half expecting clowns and elephants to rush out from under my feet during my high school graduation. Would have certainly made the ceremony interesting.

So we're stressed. I'm stressed, you're stressed, he's stressed, she's stressed, everybody within range and out of range and in between is stressed.

I think this day has been successful so far, don't you? And look only, 8:24 in the morning.

But! What of those of us who are not stressed enough? That patient, quiet lot who think themselves better than us? Obviously, something must be done at once.

I propose that we deal with them quickly.

- Jam them full of caffiene. We're talking coffee, coffee, coffee, and energy drinks. And coffee.
- Lace any food they eat with pills. I don't know which, take your pick.
- Assess their current workloads, then triple them.
- Act spiteful and nasty towards them at all moments of the day until they break.
- Muss up their hair and put eyeshadow under their eyes to give the appearance they're wild-eyed and half-awake like decent, normal people.
- Ask them repeatedly "Are you stressed?" Given time, this will make it so.

We have an agenda, people. This is NATIONAL STRESSED OUT DAY. Let's make the best of it, and let's raise hell. Now get out there, and fall down.